- Mind
- Leestijd: 3 min
How ambition comes at the expense of your health and how you replenish your reserves.
Henriëtte is in a ‘life rush’*: due to her ambition and enthusiasm she does not want to waste her limited time on this earth. “There are so many cool things to do and so much to get out of life!” As an independent consultant in Learning & Development, partner and mother of two young children, her life is full of beautiful things. Things that give her satisfaction. But also things that cost energy.
For quite some time, things went well. A busy life with ambition on all fronts. But at a certain point her (first so positive) way of living caught up with Henriëtte. “My body literally had no reserves left to fix what was wrong. I reached a physical rock bottom,” she says. “If I didn’t get so much satisfaction from what I do, I would have gotten a burn out”. That’s when she called me.
She lost the space to be creative, picked up every cold from the kids and always had minor injuries
“I came to Evodie when I was in a very bad physical state. If I had the flu I wasn’t able to shake it, I had difficulties with losing my pregnancy weight, I was constantly tired and my immune system was weak. I got tested for all sorts of things like vitamin deficiency etc, but the doctor couldn’t find anything. I had simply just been ahead of myself for too long, and this showed in my physical state”, she says.
“The funny thing is… I didn’t just lose my energy and health. I also felt it mentally. Clients didn’t notice anything and I still performed at a high level, but gradually I lost my creativity and extra brain space. I could no longer read business literature as easily as I was used to, often forgot things and developed a short temper. My ambition had become a silent killer and my body was the one that had to tell me.”
Playing the victim as the flip side of exhaustion
“When I came to Evodie, my energy was not good. It made start playing the victim. It felt like the world was happening to me and that having children was oh so hard.” confesses Henriette.
“I didn’t recognize myself in that. By nature I am very positive and I even have an aversion to people who play the victim. But because I was so tired, I failed to recognize it in myself.”
If, like Henriëtte, you have an attitude of “I’m not a quitter, so I’ll just keep going”, you can quickly think that the victim role is bad or weak. But it could also just be the flip side of exhaustion. When your body is so tired from all the performing and rushing, everything feels heavy. It’s not surprising that this heaviness affects your mental health as well.
Together with Henriëtte, I looked for ways in which she could replenish her reserves. Our aim was to ensure that in the future, her ambition no longer has to come at the expense of her body.
Healthy food, daily exercise and real relaxation
“What was very valuable to me about the process with Evodie was that I didn’t get bite-sized feeding schedules,” she says. “I had to learn for myself what worked for me and what didn’t.
As frustrating as it was sometimes, it taught me that I genuinely feel happy when I make things for myself that are both healthy and delicious. Before, I had no interest in cooking. Now I know how to feed myself easily, tasty and healthy food. And I get satisfaction out of it too.”
To me, it was also an eye opener that on days that I have less energy (physical or mental), I should ask less of myself. That I accept those days as they are and that I work together with my body. That was completely new to me! Normally my inner critic would start yelling loudly on days like this: Why don’t I have any energy? How can I still deliver as much as possible? I used to just push myself to the absolute maximum, and further.
I’ve since learned that the inner critic just costs me extra energy. I now experience much more peace and I can accept that low energy days are part of life.”
Tiny habits make the biggest changes
Knowledge about nutrition and the insight that I sometimes have to ask less of myself in combination with daily exercise led to a lifestyle in which my energy increased little by little. It is the tiny habits that cause the biggest change. And lasting change.”
Now that Henriëtte is replenishing her reserves, she can rise above herself again when it comes to performance. In addition to her much-needed portion of (intellectual) satisfaction, she checks whether she has exercised and relaxed enough and has eaten well on everyday.
Checking in with your needs and recognizing triggers
She checks in with herself three times a day: How am I feeling? What do I need? Why am I doing something? Because I think I should or because it really is possible?
In addition, she learns to recognize her triggers to revert to old behavior. “There are many and they can differ from time to time,” she says. “Known triggers are: working harder instead of smarter, getting a shorter fuse, having trouble getting out of bed and becoming chaotic in small daily life actions.”
Monitoring your energy level to deal with triggers
“What do you do when you recognize such a trigger in yourself?” I ask her. “Then I will do some introspection”, Henriëtte answers. “The old well-known story is that I don’t want to be a pussy and just want to keep going, even if something is not that important at all”.
“Now I make a much more conscious choice and I ask myself whether it is worth it to ‘keep going’.”
Yes? Then I do so, and take more rest the next day.
No? Then I calm down a bit. I monitor my energy levels much better. I still like hard work, but I have learned to restore the balance with relaxation. I never want to have to live in reserve mode again.”
High energy at the moments that matter
An immediate direct reward for a balanced lifestyle is energy at the moments that really matter. Henriëtte loses less energy because she checks in, recognizes triggers in time and takes her inner critic less seriously. Because she has more energy, she sees things more clearly. “My priorities are very sharp again!” she says.
“I used to think that family and a full-time career could coexist (preferably both on a 100%).
Now it’s about looking for balance and my children and family are really number 1. That is also part of a full and satisfying life. I have learned to listen better to my own needs and their needs as well. I have learned the process of stilling my thoughts and to give sincere attention to my loved ones. This way, everyone feels good, seen and loved. Including myself.”
How do you make sure you don’t fall back into old patterns?
“Finding the balance between hard-work and relaxation is on-going. It is never finished.” says Henriette. “I have no illusions that I will never relapse. I don’t want to lose my drive. I still achieve a lot with that and it gives me joy in life. At the same time, I know that it’s lurking that this drive will become the most important. And that when that happens, there is no brake on it.”
“I keep myself sharp by keeping an eye on my balance wheel. Balance is a verb and requires attention. It’s different every day. In addition, I try to live like what I teach my daughters: you can see everything that happens in your life as a lesson. You can handle anything that comes your way. It makes you resilient. Life is one big freaking learning journey.”
* a word she heard during a lecture by the inspiring speaker Joyce de Ruiter.
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Het is goed om inzicht in jouw ongewenste patronen te hebben. Maar om energiek en voluit te leven zijn de andere vijf pijlers even zo belangrijk.
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